The Journal

[allthemonsters]

Dec. 31

New Years Eve! New house, new life, new baby on the horizon! Ani says the house is finished enough that we can live in it. I'm really excited. It's such a pretty house. Great view of the lake, and once it's finished it will be nice and cozy. But there's really no point in still paying for the apartment when we've got all that space just waiting for us to get up here! We moved the last of our stuff over today. I think it's a great thing to start the new year in the best place possible, the place we're going to spend the rest of our lives. Sure it will be a little rough at first, but I think everything will work out for the best. In honor of the new place, I bought you, journal, just this morning. You will help me document this first year of our lives together.

It's going to be a great one. Baby due June 6th, getting married at the end of July. My mom keeps trying to get us to move it to before the baby is born, but I want to fit in my wedding dress and I don't want a winter wedding. I keep trying to explain to her that the baby was conceived out of wedlock, and nobody cares about that stuff anymore.
But she's old fashioned. Moms, right journal? She loves me, and she's excited about wedding and baby both, she'll just fuss a little until they're all together in one package.

So I'm going to try to write in you at least every few days, just to make sure I keep up with things. Or else you will be a very pretty blank book sitting on a shelf collecting dust for the baby to find when she's older and rolling her eyes about her own mother! P.S. I think it's a girl, but Ani wants a boy, and it's too early to tell just yet! So we will see who wins in the end, right?

That's all for now, journal. First chapter in a brand new, awesome house.

Jan. 1

Boy was it quiet last night! Our apartment was by the train tracks, and I think I woke myself up at least five times expecting to hear the trains. But nothing. Its weird how silence can get under your skin and bother you like that, isn't it? I remember when Ani and I first moved in there every time the trains rolled by I'd wake up. But after awhile you just get used to it, I guess.

It'll take me awhile to get used to the quiet, but it'll be nice once I do. Won't that be nice for the baby, never hearing that racket?

There was a strange deer outside this morning. It didn't seem at all afraid of me, but there was something wrong with its back. Ani made a sound in the kitchen, and when I turned back it was gone. I guess I'm too used to living in the city. Ani keeps laughing at me, says I'm silly to be startled by a deer.

Last night, when I was just starting to fall asleep, I swore I heard someone knocking on the door, asking to be let in. But we're miles and miles from anywhere, and both times I looked there's no one there and no tracks in the snow. There was nothing there this morning either.

Maybe this pregnancy is just making me jumpy. Or maybe the silence is too silent!

Jan. 5

Lady is missing.

Jan. 6

I think someone took her, but I can't explain to Ani why. I know she wouldn't have left on her own. We put up posters in town, but nobody has said anything. Animal control says they will give us a call if they find anything. I hope you're ok, sweetie. Just be ok wherever you are.

Jan. 10

I can hear someone moving upstairs, but I've checked twice and there is nothing there. I wish Ani was home, I know it's only my imagination acting up. I wish Lady would come back. Sometimes I feel like the baby and I are the only things alive in the world.

Jan. 11

Something stole the last bagel. I say something because I'm the only one here, and I know there was one left. The basement flooded again, that drain keeps getting clogged. It's so cold outside that the pipes will freeze if I don't let them drip. When they knock at night, it sounds like someone is walking in the hall outside.

Jan. 13

Ani is home, and of course none of the weirdness is happening now that he is. He apologized for being gone so long, and made me pancakes. I don't know why none of that stuff happens while he's here. Maybe I am just crazy. He says by summer the house should be done, and next winter he'll be home all the time. It's just this last little bit of traveling until he gets promoted.

I can wait, it will be better for all of us. It's just the house settling, and my overactive imagination. I'm too used to the noises of the city; this country air is so still I'm making noise to fill it.

Right?

Jan. 17

The girls are over! Ani will be home for the next week solid, he's so excited to see them, and I'm excited to have them. Judith has gotten so tall, and Raina looked adorable in her little mittens. I can't wait until the house is finished and they can stay more often.

My head is messing with me again; I tucked them in twice, according to Judith. She said the first time I was making a very strange face. I need to get some sleep, journal.

Jan. 24

Ani left with the girls this morning, and as soon as they left things started happening. When I was brushing my teeth someone was standing behind me, she looked old, and she had such frightening eyes. Like she hated me, journal, I have never had someone look at me like that. But journal, I got the idea that she wanted to kill me.

There were two little kids sitting at the kitchen table when I made breakfast, for just a moment I forgot that the girls left this morning. As soon as I remembered, they disappeared.

Nothing like that had ever happened before. I'm really scared.

Jan. 24

I had a weird dream when I took a nap earlier. Also the heater is broken, these two things are somewhat related.

So anyway, I dreamed that someone was walking down the hall towards me I was sure it was Ani in the dream, because the person sat on the bed next to me and started running their hands over my belly. They didn't talk to the baby, which Ani always does, they just sat there and touched me. I could feel the baby kicking against their hands like she sometimes does with Ani. He thinks it's funny.

I started getting really cold in the dream and kinda grumbled at him to turn the heater up, and rolled over to look at him. Only it wasn't Ani. Which is when I woke up. I guess the cold got to me in the dream, because I'd somehow managed to kick all of the blankets off the bed and was shivering.

It was so cold inside that I could see my breath in the air, so I went to try to mess with the heater. It's completely broken, looks like rats or something chewed through a bunch of cords. So I have hot tea, blankets, a fire in the fireplace, and you, journal, until the repairman gets here.

Things really need to stop breaking.

Jan. 30 (There is a sonogram picture placed between this page and the next)

We went in for a sonogram today! Still no news on if the baby is a boy or a girl, he or she is shy. But healthy, the doctor says the baby is growing well! Ani gave me a really weird look when I took you down to write about it, journal. Do I really only write about the odd things happening in the house?

Paging back through, I guess I do. But I've kept up with you for almost a month now! That's pretty cool. The roofers will come next week, and then we can start bringing my books out of storage. Maybe that will help me get my head on straight.

I keep hearing a dog in the halls, but there's never one there. It's so spooky here alone at night. I will be glad when Ani finishes up with all the extra things he needs to do and can stay up here with me. It's not that far to town, but it feels so very far away.

Feb. 2

I went into the room we're using to store the Antiques today, mostly for something to do. They do need to be looked after, with all the dust in the air it can damage them.

But! That's not why I'm writing journal, there are a few new pieces that Ani didn't told me he bought. A beautiful, completely intact Elizabethan Tea set. No pieces missing, it looks like it has been amazingly well preserved, almost like it should be in a museum. Almost four hundred years old, no pieces missing. There is also a Victorian doll. There is a scuff on her cheek, and a few black spots on her hands, but she's otherwise perfect. Her clothes and hair are even intact. Wow. I have never handled one in such perfect condition.

Where did he get them? I bet he means for them to be a surprise, so I won't let him know that I found them, but I had to tell someone. There were a few other items, one of them was a chess set. I'm pretty sure it was made of real ivory, and it's at least turn of the century craftsmanship. It looks like someone was playing a game, the black queen was in check. I can just imagine Ani setting it up. He's such a dork sometimes, but I love him. I can't wait until he gets home, even if he doesn't know I know, he's definitely getting a welcome home tonight!

Feb. 4

I got really sick there for a few days, sorry for not writing. Must be the last wave of morning sickness, though I didn't have too many strong bouts with that in the first few months. My mom came up to stay with me, I don't think she saw anything, but she kept giving the stairs to the basement a really odd look.

Thank god the noises stopped, I don't want her thinking I'm crazy, you know? Bad enough that I tell you about all this crazy stuff happening. If my mom knew, she'd make me move back in with her and call the Vatican or something crazy like that.

I think I did see her waving a cross around, maybe it's not as quiet as I thought.

Feb. 5

Mom left really suddenly. Mumbled something about needing to get back to work. I don't know what she's talking about, mom has never worked. Maybe her church group is doing something?

I feel a lot better, but I do feel sort of bad that she left. She looked freaked out. Of course as soon as she was out the door and down the drive the crazy started up again.

There was a boy standing on my stairs, watching me. But he ran upstairs before I could catch him.

Feb. 6

Roofers. Ugh, I knew they were coming, but I'm about to crawl out of my skin. It's not even the noise, it's the vibration. I swear I can hear it even now that they've left for the night.

Tap, tap, tap.

It sure is weird how they can drag their feet all day and disappear the moment dusk hits.

Feb. 7

The roofers say they're done. The foreman looked a little unnerved, and he said we didn't owe him anything. I'm going to have Ani look at it when he gets home, because he said they would be here all week. It just seems a little unusual for them to finish so fast. I mean, not owing them as much is nice. But I'd rather pay more for a roof that doesn't leak!

Speaking of owing people, I need to call the plumber, again. The basement is still flooding and the pump seems to work only when it wants to. Very annoying.

Feb. 9

Mom stopped by today. She wouldn't come in the house. It was really weird, I swear she seemed sick.

She brought me a St. Nicholas medal for the baby, a rosary, a tiny bible, and a bottle of holy water. She also wanted to make sure we got the baby baptized and wanted to know what we were naming him or her.

I guess I haven't told you that, have I, journal? And you should have been the first to know. If it's a girl, we're calling her Vanessa, if it's a boy, Theodore.

So Nessa Ann Wen or Theo Lee Wen. I know she's a girl though, I just feel it. My little Nessa.

Anyway, mom kept saying that we needed to get the baby baptized and that I needed to go to Mass. I'm such a bad Catholic, journal. I haven't been to Mass since Christmas. But I agreed to wear the medal and keep the bible with me and to get Ani to go to Mass with me. I don't know why it was so important to her, but if the promise makes her feel better I'll make it.

She kept giving the house such strange looks, journal, and as soon as I agreed she left very quickly.

I'm not sure what was going on. Maybe she caught whatever I had?


Feb. 10

The girls came over last night, though Ani won't be back until Saturday. Normally if there are people over, everything stops. But the girls saw a boy on the stairs, Judith said he seemed as startled as she was to see him, and when he ran upstairs she couldn't find him again.

At dinner the basement flooded, and I went to start the pump. When I came back upstairs, all the dishes had been washed and dinner had been put away.

Journal, we hadn't eaten yet, and the Tupperware is out of Judith's reach. She swears she didn't do it. I hugged them both and we had pizza instead. But that night, things got even stranger. Raina says she woke up with a dog in bed with her. She thought at first it was Lady, but she says the dog was too big. The door to their room was shut. The dog licked her fingers when he realized she was awake, and lay watching the door for the rest of the night. She said she fell asleep, and when she woke up the dog was gone. But there was white fur all over her bed. Judith says she didn't see or hear anything.

Whatever is happening is messing with the kids now, I don't know what to do, Journal.

Feb. 11

When Judith went to bed tonight, something or someone was in her bed! She says she woke up to their hand covering her face and she couldn't breath! I heard her scream and I swear that my heart almost exploded out of my chest. I still haven't settled down.

They're both in bed with me now, and we're sleeping with the lights on. We're all the way out here; could the cops even get here in time if we needed?

There was nothing in the bedroom, Journal, nobody but Judith and Raina.

Maybe I should call Sandra and have her come get them. I'm scared that whatever is going on will hurt them.

I can hear something pounding on the roof as I write this, journal. Like the roofers are here again. The girls hear it too. Why can they hear it? For the past month and a half it's only been happening to me.

Its midnight, journal. I just realized. Its midnight and I can hear something walking towards my room.

At 12:01 the noise stopped. It's after 1AM now; we were hiding under the bed. But I could see something moving under the doors, a shadow. Something really was out there. I could hear it breathing. What if it comes in next time? Four more days until Ani gets back.

Feb. 15

Sorry about that blackout, journal. I think I was feeding into things more by writing about them, so I stopped. Ani is back now, and things have calmed down.

To tell you the truth, I'm having trouble remembering the last few days. It feels almost like a bad dream. I would be convinced it was if the girls didn't remember things too.

We've apparently agreed we're not telling their father. We went to town today to pick out wallpaper for their rooms. They're really excited. I am too. We started talking about the mural we're going to paint in the baby's room. I feel pretty good about things.

I almost forgot that yesterday was Valentines day. Ani didn't. He came home with a dozen roses, a box of chocolates, had dinner reservations and had hired a sitter.

I felt sort of bad leaving the girls with the sitter, but it was nice to get out of the house. Dinner was perfect, I could feel the last few weeks melting away. It was exactly what I needed.

When we got home, the sitter was so badly spooked that she almost left before Ani could pay her. I wanted to apologize, but she wouldn't even look at me.

Ani doesn't know the girls have been staying in the room with me, and I don't know how to explain it to him. I was really scared to leave them alone, but I tucked them into Judith's bed and held their hands until they fell asleep.

This morning when I went to get them, the white dog was laying between them and they were both clinging to him. Thank god. He got up when I came to get them, licked my hands, and vanished off to wherever he goes when he's not protecting us.

I may have "accidentally" bought an extra steak for him when we went grocery shopping this afternoon.


Feb. 19

I don't know why she hates me so much. I wish I did, I would apologize if I knew. But she's always glaring, like I did something wrong. Maybe she doesn't like that I'm living in the house? But this was Ani's grandma's house, and I've seen pictures of her. This old woman looks nothing like her.

Why does she hate me?

God, I'm so stupid I'm crying because a ghost hates me. She hasn't even done anything, she just glares.

Well she can glare, I'm not going anywhere.

She's easier to deal with than the knocking, anyway. She might follow me around the house but she just watches. The knocking makes it hard to sleep.


Feb. 20

Ani built me a library! It's beautiful, I can't wait to get all of my books up here and arranged. They'll need to stay in storage until we finish painting, but soon.

Journal, something else happened. Something really strange. Ani said the roofers weren't supposed to be here until this week, and the guy he had hired never came. But there is a new roof.

I suggested maybe they had just come early, and Ani seemed to accept that, but I have...a really bad feeling, journal. I don't know why, but I can't shake it. Someone was in my house, someone who shouldn't have been here.

I tried looking up the name that they had painted on their truck, but that company doesn't exist. What's going on?

Mar. 6

Sorry for not writing for so long, journal. I bet you thought I'd forgotten about you, if you thought. You don't, but if you did.

My mom died, you see. I'm still trying to deal with it. I've cried all the tears I have to cry, but still I can't... She was driving home from church, and she hit something. She drives-drove? One of those little cars. It was the middle of the day, journal, sunny day, straight road. They said she never even tried to hit her breaks. But it was big, whatever she hit. Like a bear.

But there was nothing else on the road; her car was just torn to pieces. There wasn't a whole lot left.

My baby is never going to know her grandma.

Ani is staying in town for the next few weeks. He's helping my dad take care of everything.

I can't help thinking this is my fault.

Mar. 10

I used to think it was quiet here, but now that it is getting warmer it's almost as noisy as the city. There are birds, and over the past few days there has been frogs. It's peaceful. I keep trying to distract myself. Today it was sunny enough that the girls and I went for a walk. We ended up rescuing tadpoles from puddles and putting them in the lake. We have a boathouse down there, but Ani says he wants to have a look at it before I or the girls go climbing on it. Apparently it hasn't really been messed with since he and his brother were young.

But the lake is beautiful, I can't believe all this property is ours.

The day was beautiful, it was nice to get the girls out of the house for a little while. While we were out, we saw birds circling over a patch of woods a bit out from the house. Ani says something probably didn't survive the winter and has now defrosted enough for the buzzards to bother it. I kept the girls away and told them not to mess with it.

I also saw someone on our walk. She was standing on the shore of the lake, her head tilted upwards towards the sun. I told her it was private property and she was trespassing, and she turned to look at me. Journal, she smelled like the marina. Like dead fish and salt and things that have been in the water for too long. I gagged, and she smiled and stepped off the shore into the water.

There wasn't even a ripple, and the water there isn't all that deep.

Judith and Raina both saw her too. For some reason, every time I start to bring something obvious up to Ani, I get distracted, and by the time I remember it's too late to bring it up. I want to tell him, but I'm also scared he'll think I'm crazy.

I keep thinking that if I turn the right corner, I might see my mother's ghost waiting for me. It's a shivery sort of feeling, isn't it? I don't know if I'm selfish for thinking it, wanting to see her one more time.

More later, journal, I need to get to bed.


Mar. 17

Ani left this morning. He tried to get out of it, but his boss insisted he had to go. It's some sort of sales conference. He explained it, but I was trying not to cry. I'm really scared, journal. It's the first time I've been alone in the house since my mom died.

The baby is really still tonight, almost like she is waiting with me. At least I'm not entirely alone.

Mar. 18

I met the boy last night. Well, I guess met him is a poor choice of words. We've been aware of each other for awhile, he just always ran away before. I guess I was pathetic enough that even ghost children take pity.

He says his name is Lock. I made him spell it, because I thought "Locke", like the name. But he insists like the door. Weird kid, sarcastic kid, but he sees the same stuff I do. He laughed when I told him this was my house, and then looked at me for a moment and said "Well you are a redhead, why not". He wouldn't explain that or anything else I was confused about, but he talked to me. That helped a lot. He says sometimes the stairs don't lead to my living room, sometimes they lead other places.

I still don't understand, but it was nice to talk to someone who didn't think I was insane. He said if he saw me again, he'd stop and talk with me.

We ate an entire carton of ice cream.

Mar. 24

I lost track of days again, journal. I tried to call my mom, but nobody answered. Wouldn't it have been strange if somebody had? If phones worked like that?

There are voices and footsteps in the halls; they don't have the decency to wait for nightfall anymore. When I shower, I feel like someone is standing right behind me.

There was blood in the shower this morning, and someone had used the first aid kit. There was nothing left but the blood and a few bandages.

I keep wondering if this is what it feels like to go crazy. Or maybe I am already dead. Maybe I'm what is haunting this house, not little boys named Lock and frightening old women and footsteps in the hall.

Maybe I'm what needs to leave.

Tap, tap, tap. There go the walls again. I can hear them coming through, building every inch of whatever they're building. The baby kicks in time with the taps on the walls and the roof and the screams in the halls and I can't. sleep. here.


Mar. 26

Ani is home. He seems worried about me, I feel fine though. The sickness is all gone, and the baby is very active. I think I need to get more vitamins; these low blood sugar attacks are really alarming. Looking back over my last few entries, I'm not sure what was wrong with me. Boys in the house? Wow I do sound insane. Nobody was here the entire week but me.

I sort of want to rip those pages out, but it seems silly to do so. I really must not have been feeling well, that sounds fevered.

Well, if the poet thing doesn't work out I guess I could become a mystery writer. What with the weird noises of the house settling and all that. It really has been getting to me, hasn't it? I think we need to get another dog, just so I'm not alone when Ani is out of town. I miss Lady, but the Animal Control people agree with me that someone probably was driving along and saw a pretty dog, and us having just moved her collar wasn't updated.

She's probably making someone a great family pet somewhere not here.

Mar. 29

Something happened when I was bathing the girls tonight. I turned around to grab the shampoo and when I turned back around there was a woman standing in the tub with them. She was dripping blood everywhere, it looked like her back had been ripped open or torn off. I screamed and dropped the shampoo and grabbed for Raina, because she was almost standing on her.

How was she standing, Journal, she looked like she should be dead. I've never seen someone hurt that bad!

Judith went white like a sheet and tried to scramble out of the tub. She slipped and bumped her head on the side. Raina started to cry and I wanted to join her.

Ani came running when Judith screamed, and we got pressure on it and Judith to the doctor to make sure she was ok. Ani didn't see the woman at all, and by the time we got them out of the tub, she was gone again.

The cut bled for a long time, and Ani was fussing over all of us and telling us to be careful. I think it's the first time anything that has happened has affected him, and it was still only second hand.

When we came back, the tub was still full of water and it was cloudy with blood. I drained it and scrubbed the ring out. I can't tell if the blood in the water was Judith's or the woman's. We have to wake her up every half hour to make sure she doesn't have a concussion, but the doctor thinks it's just a cut.

Funny, I don't think I'll have any trouble staying awake tonight.


Apr. 5

Well, you know what they say, when it rains it pours. And I for one am very glad that the new roof is NOT leaking all over us. Sandra fell at work, broke her leg in three places. So we've got the girls for the foreseeable future. She's doing ok though, she keeps joking about how she needed a vacation anyway. We get along ok, Sandra and I. It's weird being the new wife and step mom, but Ani and Sandra handled the divorce like adults. It shows with the kids, because neither Raina nor Judith seem at all traumatized. And I came in so long after the divorce that there was never bad blood between me and Sandra.

We've got to get the rooms wallpapered and painted, but with the funeral and everything that's been happening, building the house has sort of fallen to the wayside. Now I'm almost too pregnant to help. At least we got a little done on the nursery. Ani has to leave for a few days, but he says once he gets back we'll finish.

Apr. 6

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.

(There is a small smudge of blood near the corner of the page, this continues for the next two pages with no breaks.)

Apr. 9?

I think something is wrong with me. I don't feel right.

The phone isn't working.

Judith keeps sleep walking.

That white dog is here again, he's sitting with Raina outside. She seems calm.

I need to sleep, but all I can hear when I close my eyes is those roofers. The baby won't stop moving.

Ani needs to come home.

Apr. 10

If I close my eyes, I can almost feel normal again. Is that all it takes? Close your eyes, pucker your lips, and make a wish. Whoosh all of your problems go away.

Judith says I was talking in my sleep last night, I kept asking "them" not to take my baby away from me. She says I was sobbing, screaming at them.

Raina slept through it. Poor baby, she was playing with the dog all day, she must be exhausted. She said he told her stories; she has a very good imagination.

She must not get that from her dad, because he only sees things as they are.

Right, Judith. I don't remember screaming, but I was asleep, so I guess I wouldn't? The girls both stay in the bedroom with me. We've made a barricade of sorts for the door and pretend like we're on an adventure.

Every night, we hear the footsteps in the hall. Every night, they stop before they get to the door.

What am I going to do when they get to the door?

Ani called last night and talked to us for a little while. He says it will probably be another week before he gets home. I'm scared, journal.

Apr. 11

Someone is knocking on the outside door. Pounding, really. There’s no snow to check for tracks, now, but I can see the door from where I am sitting and there is nobody there.

But they’re still pounding on it, as hard as they can.

I’m afraid they’re going to break the glass.

Raina is crying and holding onto the dog. The dog is calm.

Where is Judith?

Apr. 12

I can’t find Judith. She’s not outside, she’s not inside. She’s not anywhere around the house. Raina keeps telling me that something took her down the hatch, but there isn’t a hatch.

I don’t know what she’s talking about. She won’t stop crying.

That old woman showed up in the bathroom again, she was smiling this time. She looked like she was pleased with herself.

The dog disappeared again. I can never keep track of that thing, and you’d think with as big as it is I could keep a better eye on it.

But it comes and goes as it wants, like Lock does.

Only it doesn’t steal bagels.

Apr. 13

Judith is back. She doesn’t remember being gone. I found her curled up in her room, under the blanket maze. She was holding a stuffed frog and kept talking about a dream she had where she turned into a snake.

Sometimes, I think Raina is the only one of us that is still slightly sane.

Judith was starving and ate more than I think a little girl her age should have been able to.

Now, the question I have. I know what toys they have here, and I’ve never seen that stuffed frog before in my life. Where did it come from?

Oh, the dog is also back. Also not acting like he’s been anywhere. There’s something shady about that dog, and not just because he randomly disappears. When I’m talking to the girls, I swear he understands me. I saw him looking at the journal when I sat it down.

Can dogs read?

Apr. 14

There are three people and one slightly oversized white mutt in this house. There were five people and one slightly oversized mutt and a bird at the dinner table tonight.

I don’t know who the other two people were, I don’t remember them coming to dinner, I don’t remember inviting them in, I just remember setting five places and moving a chair over for the bird to sit on.

The dog stayed close to the girls the entire night, almost like he was protecting them.

As soon as I cleared the table, the bird and the other two people disappeared.

I could cry, my life is so insane it seems normal now. What would I do without random people showing up for dinner? What’s going on? Why is this happening to me?

Apr. 15

Ani can’t see the dog. I don’t think he could have confused us more if he’d told us that leprechauns were real and he was carrying one in his pocket. Actually, considering the week I’ve had, if he had walked in and announced leprechauns I would have been relieved.

We would have all been crazy together.

But he can’t see the dog. He can’t see the old woman that stands in the bathroom and watches us bathe. He can’t see the stuffed frog that Judith won’t be parted from.

It’s like nothing that has been going on in this house exists for him. The girls and I gave each other one of those looks, and then Judith started talking loudly about a dream she had about a giant white dog that we had adopted as a family pet to keep us safe until Lady came back.

So we’re going to the shelter tomorrow, journal, and I owe that little girl something awesome for getting us out of that awkward situation.

Apr. 16

I’m having a girl.

Apr. 17

There were no giant white dogs to be had at the shelter. Ani looked disappointed. Raina looked confused over the fact that he couldn’t see the one lounging on the porch.

But whatever. Ani can’t see it, and it can’t touch him. I don’t know why it ignores him and targets us, but it does.

Whatever “it” is. Where do I go when I lose time? Where did Judith go? Where did the white dog come from?

Why does the basement keep flooding?

Why the stairs, what does that mean? The stairs don’t always lead to the same place? Where do they lead when they don’t lead to here, and is Lock the only one using them to travel between places?

Am I crazy, or has the world just gone mad?

There was a little boy in my library today. He didn’t do anything or say anything, he just sat in the middle of the floor and rocked himself.

After a little while, I almost wanted to join him.

It’s not stopping when Ani is here anymore; it just goes on around him.

Apr. 20

Ani has suggested we go on a vacation, since soon I’ll be too fat to travel (He didn’t actually say that, Journal. He was nice about it.) He thinks some time away from the house will help settle my nerves. I think he’s right. A little over a month left.

Sandra is well enough to take the girls, and we’re going to take a nice trip to somewhere warm and happy and far away from this house. I can’t wait.

Maybe once the baby is born, this will all seem like a terrible, hormonally charged dream.

Someone is coming to look at the pipes while we’re gone. Ani thinks there might be a kink in the line somewhere that is causing the trouble. So hopefully they figure it out. I’m very tired of mopping the basement.

Apr. 22

Something is wrong with Sandra. They've admitted her to the hospital. Lisa just called in tears. Ani is going to see if he can help them in any way. I'm really scared. I mean aside from her leg she's always been really healthy. She was supposed to get her cast looked at today.

The girls were supposed to be back with her tomorrow. Ani said to cancel the flight.
That's bad, I know it's bad.

Sandra has never been in the house. It can't be the house, she's never been here. Ani or Lisa has always taken the girls back and forth.

She hasn't been in the house, it can't be the house. It can't it can't.


Apr. 23

Sandra is dead.

Apr. 24

I can feel the baby moving inside me, but I don’t want to get out of bed. Just holding this pen seems to take more energy than I have.

The girls are so quiet, I keep checking to make sure they’re breathing.

This house feels like a tomb.

It’s so empty, there’s something missing.

The white dog keeps licking our faces, but he steps away the moment Ani returns. Selfishly, I keep wishing that Ani would go away. The only time I feel safe anymore is when the dog is here and touching us.

Don’t let them take my baby, Journal. Is that what they want? Is that what this is all about? I’m so scared, journal. Sandra is gone, my mom, Lady.

Are they all my fault? Did the house do this?

Why? Why is this happening?

Ani is going back to town; he says he has to take care of funeral arrangements.

I’m so tired, Journal. Can’t I rest yet?

Raina is crying again.

Apr. 30

I went into the basement today. The water is staining the walls. There is a thick layer of mud on the floor; it’s coming up out of the drain.

I heard someone coming down the stairs, but when I turned around there was no one there.

A man was waiting for me outside the bathroom today. He kissed my hand and smiled at me, and asked my name.

I pulled my hand away and he disappeared.

Reality is no longer real; fantasy rests like a soap bubble on my fingertips.

It’s all slipping away, all my hopes and dreams. Were they ever really mine, or just something I wanted to be mine?

The girls won’t go in the basement.

I don’t want to go there either.

The baby turns within me, she is never still. I fear she will never be born.

May. 1

Ani wants to take us away from the house for a little while. He says that we need to leave, even if it’s just for a hotel in town. I tried to tell him not to say that, that the house would hear, but I couldn’t make myself say the words.

Raina started crying and wouldn’t let him pick her up.

Maybe Raina understands it too.

Maybe he’s charmed. Nothing in the house has touched him, he can't see anything. Lucky, blessed, something. But I’m so afraid, journal. The house doesn’t want us to leave. It will do whatever it has to so that we’ll stay.

I wish I could make him take it back, to say he doesn't mean it. I don't know what to do.

The dog licked Raina’s face until she was calm again; Judith took her to their room.

My heart aches, the baby is very still tonight.

May. 3

He’s dead.

May. 4

There were people at dinner tonight, but I don’t know if they were real or not. Raina and Judith seem to be beyond tears, and I feel so numb with horror that I can no longer scream.

I cooked for them; it was quite the fine party. One of the women helped me with the dishes.

She patted my arm when they were done, and smiled at me so gently I nearly started to sob.

Soon, she said, soon.

Soon what? Will I die next? Is it the girls the house wants, not me? My baby, Judith, Raina?

I can’t even be frightened anymore.

May. 5


Judith is gone. I've looked and looked, but she isn't here. I don't know where she is.

Did the house take her? I hope that she's not hurting anymore, if it did. Maybe she found Ani.

I wish I could find him.

Raina is still here, but she barely talks to me anymore. The white dog is always with her. She told me she knows him, that she knew him before she was born. She says he's been looking for her.

I think he'll protect her after I'm gone. I'm glad.

I'm sorry girls, I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough. I wish I had done better.

The old woman isn't angry anymore, she's smiling, laughing. She's happy I'm suffering.

Maybe that's what she wanted all along.

I miss my mom, and Ani. I wish they were here.

I wish I could hold her just once before I die.

I have to find Judith. I have to try.

May. 6

There’s something wrong with me.

But that has been the truth for a very long time.

The house is full of people, people I don’t know. Lock was here for a moment, standing at my side. He looked sad, and touched my hand, and said my name.

I think it was my name.

I don’t quite recall what my name was anymore.

May. 8

There’s something in the basement.

There is nothing else written, the pages that follow are blank. There is something off about the texture of the paper. There are raised bumps of some sort, as though small bits of moisture dried there. When dropped, the book falls open to several pages past the last entry, as though it were held open for some time. It is as if the writer prepared to transcribe something further, but was unable.